{HERstory in the making}

Knock knock Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment. You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I ****ing love candles! I see you met my dog there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like dogs even though you hate dogs? Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Look at my refrigerator. Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that. We're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture to prove that we were partying. But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all ****es. Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Be right back... Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go! Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe. Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. Now let's talk about my family. I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute! Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out. Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! Oh hey, what a coincidence. It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you! Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now. Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Walmart a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!